enough

there are enough status updates
there are enough news feeds
there are enough tweets
there are enough profiles
there are enough friends
there are enough applications
there are enough sites
there are enough opinions
there are enough judgments
there are enough causes
there are enough blogs
there are enough posts
there are enough comments
there are enough processes
there are enough egos
there are enough songs
there are enough stories
there are enough movies
there are enough books
there are enough pointers
there are enough guides
there are enough truths
there are enough sages
there are enough paths
there are enough thoughts
there are enough words
there is enough meaning
breathe and be
that is enough

reality...what a concept

That line in a Robin Williams bit from the late '70's always cracked me up, but I wasn't sure why. It seems even funnier now. We are stuck with that concept until it is seen through and nothing we do will bring that vision, it will be given to us at what seems to be some random time or place. Sometimes I am entertained by the movie that is my "reality" and I don't need other stories to read or watch. There has been more of that MO lately. Sometimes I am entertained by the story of someone else's trip, whether it is written as fiction or "real life". I seem to find it all humorous, whether it's intended to be or not. It's all soap opera all the time, how can it not be funny? I do the dance. I am Shiva's willing partner as he dances the world into existence. It's all the same anyway, right?

LC calls it "Boogie Street".

O Crown of Light, O Darkened One,
I never thought we’d meet.
You kiss my lips, and then it’s done:
I’m back on Boogie Street.

A sip of wine, a cigarette,
And then it’s time to go.
I tidied up the kitchenette;
I tuned the old banjo.
I’m wanted at the traffic-jam.
They’re saving me a seat.
I’m what I am, and what I am,
Is back on Boogie Street.

And O my love, I still recall
The pleasures that we knew;
The rivers and the waterfall,
Wherein I bathed with you.
Bewildered by your beauty there,
I’d kneel to dry your feet.
By such instructions you prepare
A man for Boogie Street.

O Crown of Light, O Darkened One,
I never thought we’d meet.
You kiss my lips, and then it’s done:
I’m back on Boogie Street.

So come, my friends, be not afraid.
We are so lightly here.
It is in love that we are made;
In love we disappear.
Tho’ all the maps of blood and flesh
Are posted on the door,
There’s no one who has told us yet
What Boogie Street is for.

O Crown of Light, O Darkened One,
I never thought we’d meet.
You kiss my lips, and then it’s done:
I’m back on Boogie Street.

It kisses my lips and sends me out to boogie. I've always liked to dance.

opinions, running & stillness

I love to run. I didn't realize that until I was 27 and started jogging as a reaction to my father having a heart attack at age 45. It was 1977 and the running boom of that era was in full swing and I was a willing convert to running and racing. I read all the "experts" and bought the shoes and other stuff that they recommended. I had frequent injuries and bought better shoes as they came out, but that didn't help. I finally quit about seven years ago with a chronically sore knee and the belief that the orthopods were right and our bodies really weren't made for running such distances, especially on pavement. I have tried to find an exercise activity to takes it's place, but it was never the same.

I stumbled upon a new running style about nine months ago, Chi Running. It is a gravity based system that requires a lean forward and landing on your midfoot with more of a running from your hips instead of the legs. It has allowed me to run again without knee pain. Christopher McDougall's book "Born to Run" comes from the same philosophy. It attempts to shoot down the concepts that started in the early '70's and the advent of the modern running shoe, that you should land on your heels and roll forward when you run. It cites data and studies that show humans are evolved to be long distance runners like the bushmen and Tarahumara Indians of Mexico. They have been running long distances, even running down game, for centuries. He says try running in your bare feet and see what happens. I did and I couldn't land on my heels without it hurting or feeling very awkward. Running without shoes leaned me forward in a straight posture and landed me on my mid to fore foot naturally. It just happened. So whose opinion is correct. Hell, I don't have a clue. All I know is that I can run again and I will take that as long as it lasts.

What I do know is that when I ran before there was a stillness that happened that I had never experienced before in my life. I am craving stillness and I will run whenever I am moved, even on cold, wet and windy days.

cracks

From Leonard Cohen's "Anthem"...plenty of youtubes out there for this song if anyone reading this wants to hear it..."there is a crack, a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in, that's how the light gets in"...

Light does get in sometimes from unexpected sources and in unexpected places. The cracks are everywhere. I feel it happening because my body reacts the same way every time. I get overwhelmed with emotion and start to well up with tears. It even happened during a real estate closing yesterday.

Not specifically identifying as a "seeker" anymore, leaves you wide open for discovering the cracks everywhere and in everything.

perceiving

There are times when the perception shifts are more obvious, the stars seem to be aligned or whatever. Yesterday morning was one of those times. I went for a run and not far into it I started noticing a different awareness. The physical movement seemed to be happening on it's own and the people I passed seemed to be me looking back at me, with the occasional knowing smile. It was the first time to sense the awakeness in anyone and everyone. There was one lady in particular walking her dog on 6th Street, who smiled and almost looked like she winked as if to let me know that "our" secret was safe with "her".

surrender, mirrors, solitaire & grace

The last time I wrote here I deleted the post. It just didn't feel right. At first I thought it was too ego based, but I have now realized that it was partial, incomplete. I have written what will follow, for the most part, already in my head and for my purposes that is enough. But I feel the need to write as much of it as I can. I am not a natural writer. Words do not flow easily. Communication of thoughts and what is known are not readily expressed in any form for me. And, once these concepts have been integrated and the realizations expressed internally, it seems redundant to write them out. Plus I clearly have lost the need for feedback or 'ata boys.

I seem inspired to push through this process for two reasons. Kitty, the love of my life, who teaches me every day how living to the fullest in this life is always going to be the answer, deserves to see these words. And, Kate, who pours her essence out to the world and makes me feel that rawness in every word she writes, deserves to have as much company as I can provide.

This is going to be about a specific thirty day period which started on September 10th and ended this past Saturday, the 10th of October. First, some background. Spiritual seeking started for me about seven years ago, but there had been seeking for meaning pretty much all my life, whether it was sports, career, relationships/sex, acting or whatever. That part of the Jack Crabb "Little Big Man" analogy was dead on. This eclectic ride continued into my spiritual search. I have the seeker scars to show for it, tattoos of the road map of the spiritual search, dharma wheel, OM, memento mori, Maya, advaita, all permanent reminders of the journey inked onto my body. Within the last year I discovered a darker "enlightened" dude on the web, David Scoma and his justperception site, kind of a real life Jed McKenna. Then I found out three months ago he was going to be in Raleigh as a part of a lineup of awake speakers at a weekend retreat which was this past weekend. I eventually registered to attend, but was not sure I would go. My email friend Kate was maybe going to be there too.

Around the 10th of September I was reading about some of the other people speaking at the retreat and read a quote by Bart Marshall: "When a person who wants Truth more than life falls in love with what is, it happens". That triggered this overwhelming sense of gratitude that has been with me ever since. The next day I stumbled upon Tony Parson's site and read his words about the role of the seeker being the last persona that has to be dropped and that identity just vanished for me. I felt this incredible lightness and sense of relief. It was like I had needed someone's permission to let go. My ego had been going in bits of flotsam and jetsam for months, but my ego attachment to the identity as a seeker was clearly still there. I had been losing my need for mirrors, the need to have Chuck reflected back to me by others, but seeking still had needed that reflection to continue. Other realizations tumbled out over the next few days. I lost the concept of conjuring up the witness. There were days of action and talking where I could not discern from where they were originating. I sent David an email, thinking he might be able to guide me through this, but before he could respond, I wrote him back and told him to forget it, the distraction of another voice seemed too busy. Then it all seemed to level out and there was this awareness that all of what had been front and center was now just humming in the background, like my Norton anti-virus on my desktop.

A kind of peace settled in. I had no motivation. I seemed to play solitaire all day, doing work only when it was needed, but there was no guilt about any of it. What needed to get done was getting done. The motivation for seeking was gone too. So why was I still drawn to attend the retreat. The camping out part sounded fun. Meeting Kate would be nice, but I had no interest in the topics to be discussed. I had even lost my need to seek guidance from David.

Friday I arrived at the park for the retreat. I set up my camping hammock, met Kate and we settled in for the evening session. The speakers and attendees were all warm and open and giving. I met Bart and saw David, but did not attempt to talk with him. The next morning I ended up down by the lake leaned up against a tree and a huge wave of knowing or realization swept over me with more lightness and peace and tears. I took it as a revelation of oneness, but it didn't match descriptions I had heard or read. I had other chances to talk with David or Bart or others, but was drawn to be on my own when breaks in the sessions would come. I left the retreat Saturday evening and came home. The realization came to me as to why I was drawn to the retreat. Not only was it to confirm that I was no longer a seeker, but it was also to confirm that I needed no validation from anyone, awake or otherwise, for what had been revealed. I was content with where I was and with the depth of whatever realization had come.

The word grace was used often at the retreat and it resonated more than any other descriptor for me. It reminded me of a song by "The Low Anthem" that had moved me in the last 30 days, "Blind Lead The Blind":

As the blind walk the blind through the blackness of freedom,
Who writes the songs that we all will be singing,
Who writes the books where I'll lay my hand open,
So to swear myself into your grace.

Blindness is. We all write our own songs and our own books and get the amount of grace we're due. If more comes my way, I will be open for it, but I do not seek it. The life in this moment and all the moments is filled with gratitude and that is sweet enough.

gratitude

There is a distinct sense of gratitude permeating everything today. No scenario feels out of place or amiss. Acceptance has always had a feel of resignation to it, gratitude is different. Gratitude is pleased with all that is happening, not just resigned to the inevitable. Finding that there is truth in all there is, makes gratitude easier to manifest. There is nothing to run away from, nothing to escape. I am in love with it all. I can't see any other way to be. Agendas fall away. Needs don't exist.