beats me

Running out of questions and the words to form them.

playing with the light

The sun was coming through the kitchen window this morning and passing through a glass hanging there, casting a small ball of light onto the couch in the living room that would move from time to time due to the swinging of the glass. One of the cats spotted it and jumped up on the couch and tried to bat at the moving light, content to play with it as long as it lasted. The sun eventually changed positions and the light was gone and the cat moved on to the next thing.

We are all just playing with the light. It's not a "thing" we can catch and hold on to, but it doesn't make it any less fun. Knowing and seeing that it is all just light, not solid, including this character I play, makes it easier to flow to the next thing. It's all light all the time and it all works.

breaking mirrors

This stuff does seem to write itself. It comes or seems to flow from my runs or at least the clarity does.

David, who seems to be putting stuff up on his site just at the right time for where I seem to be these days, had three recent entries about the concept of what he called the "constituting other", that relationship or relationships that are the primary basis for our projected egoic existence. The use of the concept of mirroring seems easier for me. Who or what relationship is the primary mirror that projects back to you or varifies who you think you are as a person, as an ego. What relationship gives you your basic "goodness" and "badness" that is the grounding for this character you have always played. Mine has always been familial. It started with my mother and father, my mother for the good stuff and my father for the bad. Probably why I always had more women as friends than men. I assumed they would like me more and project back to me what a nice and worthy person I was.

Romantic relationships have always seemed more important, especially in the beginnings of those relationships, when the chemicals are working full bore, but the familial was always the base that this character stood on as the ground of his being. My parents died young and those mirrors faded until two bright and shiny new ones came along in the form of my daughters. Even a divorce from their mother didn't dull that reflection entirely, but a subsequent divorce and new relationship did and my mirrors were gone. My ego has floundered without without them. I have yearned to have them back, while outwardly projecting otherwise.

Yesterday I broke the mirrors for good. You are supposed to have seven years of bad luck for breaking a mirror, because part of your soul is lost when the reflection is damaged. Losing that reflection, both the "good" and the "bad" is most freeing. None of it is real, none of it has anything to do with who you really are.

yes, sunspots

Sunspots cast a glare in my eye
Sometimes I forget I'm alive
I feel it coming and I've gotta get out of it's way
I hear it calling and I come 'cause I can't disobey
I should not listen and I shouldn't listen
But I do
Yes I do

She turns me on
She makes me real
I have to apologize
For the way I feel

My life, it seems has taken a turn
Why in the name of god would I ever want to return
Peel off our skin we're gonna burn what we were to the ground
Fuck in the fire and we'll spread the ashes around
I wanna kill away the rest of what's left and I do
Yes I do

And nothing can stop me now
There is nothing to fear
And everything I'd ever want
Is inside a tear

Now I just stare into the sun
And I see everything I've done
I think I could've been someone
But I cannot stop what has begun
When everything is said and done
And there is nowhere left to run
I think I could have been someone
Now I just stare into the sun.

NIN

conduits and control

I surf the web and find other blogs to investigate that speak about truth realization, waking up or whatever turn of phrase fits your perception of what this stuff means. Most I read for a little while and move on. Some stay on my radar for extended periods and some never go away. None of us get to ride the same vehicle to get to this and the length of the journey is just as variable. We want to think that whatever we are doing at the time is furthering our journey, but it doesn't seem to be the case. We want the appearance of some control over it, but appearance is all it is.

When I am most relaxed about it all, is when the lack of control is most apparent. I used to fight with myself over going back to things and areas of interest that I decided I was done with, but now I just laugh when the "trivial" non-seeking activities fly back into my life, like I have any control over it? It's all part of the story, it's all pipeline.

I was reading a blog where the author, who describes his experience as a "liberation", posed the questions to his "peers" as to why others who have had whatever level of realization, decide to teach others and was that teaching "helpful to humanity". Those questions assume truths not in evidence. First, the basic question assumes any of these people have control over what they are doing. The second question assumes a certain definition for "helpful to humanity".

The best evidence for the lack of control over the teaching thing is David Scoma of JustPerception. About a year ago, after posting for around two years on his site, he decided he was done and "went fishing". That didn't last and he will be the first to say that his lack of control of that was totally the reason. The universe had other plans. It let his character take a break, but that was it. Others write blogs, teach or whatever and it all just happens.

We're all just conduits and the transmission comes in all the varieties the universe sees fit. It's all "helpful", because it's all out there. Who knows what the universe will use to push someone off the final cliff.

Just when I thought I was out...

The feeling of no control feels palpable lately. It's like the New Year's resolutions to lose weight and exercise more, that you really have no say in. It will happen or it won't. Just ride the wave.

I shun Facebook as the ultimate playground for the ego, where one can plaster stickers on your persona for every cause, preference and fan club, like one of the race cars on the Nascar circuit, to the point that it obliterates what the "car" looks like, and a site where you can say hay look at me and how interesting my life is 24/7. Yet, it sucks me back in. Why is that? Must be stuff I need to deal with. I suspect it was my daughters. This morning the need for the FB fix fell away again, but it could come back.

Back in October it felt like the seeker ID had dropped away. The partial realization happened and relaxation set in to let grace run it's course. That didn't last either. I apparently have a case of the non-abiding awakes according to the Adya man. Apparently that is not conducive to giving up the seeking thing. Probably why Tom Stine's blog is working for me right now.

It reminds me of Michael Corleone's line from the 3rd Godfather movie: "just when I thought I was out...they pull me back in". They, in my case, is the universe. Being partially awake means the ego is still there to be dealt with, though in a limited role, and stuff comes into view that has to be looked at, sometimes more than once. Some of it has a heavier karmic load than others.

It was like my run this morning. When the grace is flowing and the revelations are often and clear, it is like having the wind at your back and it is easy to relax and let it push you along, but then you reach the turn around and that stiff wind hits you in the face. It is harder to relax and lean into the wind and allow that it will be slower going, but resolving to relax is the only way to go. It seems I am back into the wind again and that is obviously where I need to be.

life its ownself

Expectations are a bitch. Saw a very cool movie disquised as the usual Hollywood romantic comedy, "500 Days of Summer". I had blown it off when it was in the theaters as I assumed, (assumptions being the ugly step-child of expectations) it was the usual fluff. I of course was wrong again. It had many cracks and pointers, mostly in the expectations area. There is one particular scene at a party where it shows two versions of the events of the evening, one with the caption of expectations and one with the caption of reality. It was very cleverly filmed and a revealing lesson, if we can just get out of our minds and let life live us, what a smoother trip is in store. And this does not just apply to our individual minds. The various collective minds of society and culture infuse us with its giant monkey mind, repeatedly chastising us about goals and plans and what is best for our futures. What is "best" is life as it is.